


i no longer feel like i have to be james dean

by canyonblu



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Jake Peralta Needs a Hug, Jake Peralta has ADHD, Light Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25031353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canyonblu/pseuds/canyonblu
Summary: Jake throws himself into his work as it was the only thing that made him feel worthy. He never thought he'd be able to find someone who made all parts of him feel worthy.or, Jake has 0 work life balance.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Terry Jeffords & Jake Peralta
Comments: 5
Kudos: 162





	i no longer feel like i have to be james dean

Growing up, Jake felt all kinds of not-good-enough.

He was never good at school work - which to him, was literally the only job of a child, yet he could never get it right. He always found himself being unable to focus on the long passages of English and making a ton of careless mistakes on his math questions. 

Contrary to popular belief, he _was_ trying. He mentally slaps himself whenever he finds his brain being distracted. And God knows how many hours he had spent after school just trying to complete his homework. Gina had always finished them in less than an hour and spent the rest of the afternoon lying on the couch watching television. Jake's afternoons usually ended up with him crying while erasing his mistakes for the thousandth time that afternoon. 

It was not just about school work. He always seemed to be pissing off adults left and right, even though he never means it. His teachers always yelled at him for being too fidgety and being a distraction to all his friends. His parents always groaned in frustration when Jake was being too loud or too excited.

For the most parts of his childhood, Jake felt like he was just a burden on top of his teachers' mounting work and his parents' growing marital problems. 

\------------ 

In high school, Jake was always trying to be liked. Because if people liked him, that meant nothing was wrong with him right? It was going well until the most popular guy in school, Brandon Bliss, had thought Jake was the tattler. High school was rough after that. 

In senior year, it appeared as though everyone suddenly had their shit together. Even his fellow pranksters and class clowns seemed to know what college they wanted to go to. Worse thing, they all seemed to be able to get into said colleges. 

\------------ 

Jake sat in his room holding his 4th college rejection letter. Even though he did not know what he wanted to do, Mum seemed to want him to get a college degree. Well, he does jump at any opportunity to make her happy, so he applied. But well _shit_ , he didn't get into any. 

He sighed as he lied down on his bed, tossing a ball up and down in the air. He thought about all the times he tried to be good at something - to be worthy of praise, of love, of something. Well, he has clearly screwed up and does not deserve any of that. Why didn't he try harder to be better? Why was he always such a screw up? 

What others didn't know was, behind closed doors, Jake Peralta the Class Clown always tried his hardest. He might appear as though he does not take anything seriously, but _goddamn it_ , he did. He just had nothing to show for it. 

\------------ 

Mum came to his police academy graduation. Dad was not there, but he refused to let that affect his special day. For the first time ever, he was accomplishing something. And for the first time ever, Mum's face beamed with pride for her son. 

Maybe this was something he could be good at after all. 

\------------ 

Turns out, he was good at this. He was quickly promoted to Detective, and boy was he good at that as well. He loved catching bad guys and he was good at it - always topping the precinct in arrest numbers. Being a detective was almost like second nature to him - something he has never experienced before. 

Jake finally found something he was good at - that made him a worthy human being. He was finally good enough. 

With that, he latched onto it fiercely. He was going to be the best damn detective anyone has ever seen. 

He started to commit his entire life to his job, risking his health and his personal life. It was a small sacrifice compared to the rewards. Over the years, he had fallen sick from staying up all week trying to crack a case, he had tried to catch a perp while having several broken bones in his body, he had gotten hit by a car...the list was endless. 

Terry was the first person to really point out that it was wrong to put the entirety of his being into his job. That there were other things in life. He pondered over Terry's exasperation - why was he so confused at his dedication to the job? Shouldn't Terry be happy that he was working so hard? I guess he did almost die...even while doing the one thing he was good at, he was still not good enough. 

Terry was also the one who had sat with him while he sulked, even after solving the Unsolvable case. He had tried to bury his feelings by spending all his time on a case, but to no avail. 

_But it was was easy for Terry to chide him on this_ , Jake thought bitterly. _Terry has an amazing job, an amazing wife and beautiful children. Without my job, I am nothing and I have nothing._

\------------ 

It was 1 A.M. and Amy was getting ready for bed. Jake was still sitting at the dining table, unshowered, his entire frame hunched over as he scrutinised his case files. 

"Jake, why don't you take a shower and get some rest. You can continue working on it tomorrow." Amy said, while walking toward the dining room. 

"No it's okay, you can go ahead and sleep first. I have to crack this." 

"And you will, babe. But you've got to rest. Look at the time." 

Jake peered at the clock and sighed, "I think I'm getting close to figuring it out. Don't worry alright?" 

Amy knew that Jake could be stubborn at times, and so she planted a kiss to his forehead and whispered, "okay, but please take care of yourself, Jake."

Jake hummed in response. 

\------------ 

The next morning, Amy woke up to an empty bed. Was Jake already awake after sleeping at such a late hour? She stumbled into the living room, eyes still bleary. 

Her eyes widened as she saw Jake sleeping at the table, still wearing the same clothes as the night before. Sheets of paper with his iconic handwriting and case files were strewn all over the dining table. 

"Jake," Amy said softly, nudging him. 

"Mmm" 

"Jake, did you not sleep last night?" 

Jake woke up with a start, mumbling, "Shit shit shit, I fell asleep. I am not done." 

"Jake," Amy said firmly, but compassion was evident in her voice. "You have to get some rest. Work can wait." _Jake, please take care of yourself._ Amy wanted to say, but she was not sure he could in that state. 

She guided him to the bedroom and he followed, despite some protests. With some gentle coaxing, he fell asleep. Amy watched as her husband finally slept, dark circles deepening around his eyes. 

\------------ 

The next night, Jake was at it again. After sleeping for only 2 hours, he had decided he had enough rest and should be working again. 

Amy was exasperated. What was wrong with him? Why was he so stubborn? 

"Jake!" She exclaimed, "I don't know why you are behaving like such a child. You have got to take care of yourself!" 

Jake was frustrated, why was she so against him working? 

"I can take care of myself! I just need to get this done." 

"And you will! But you need to rest!" 

"I will rest when I finish my work! Work is important, you of all people should understand that." 

"Yes! But at least I know that one is useless when they don't get some rest!" 

"I did, I slept for 2 hours!" 

Amy rolled her eyes, "Ugh what is wrong with you, Jake!" 

Jake wanted to say, _I have to crack this case, I'm supposed to be good at being a detective. If not, what am I even good for?_ But he bit his tongue. 

\------------ 

It was a peaceful night. Jake and Amy were lying in bed - Amy was doing a crossword, while Jake was scrolling through Twitter. 

Suddenly, Jake spoke up. 

"Ames?" 

He sounded strangely vulnerable. 

"What's wrong, babe?" 

"Umm..." Jake wasn't sure how to even begin explaining. "When I was young, I was just always terrible, y'know?" 

Amy looked confused, but gave him space to explain. 

"Like...I was a bad student. I was really dumb and stupid-"

"Jake-" 

"I mean it's true...or at least that's what I felt. Mum and Dad were always pissed at me...Dad didn't even like me enough to stay. I don't know, I just always wanted to be good at something to be worthy."

He looked away, suddenly feeling very small.

"And then I got into the academy, I made detective, and I was good at it, y'know? Finally, I felt worthy of something. Because at least I was good at my job." 

Realisation hit Amy like a truck. 

"Everytime I hit a roadblock I just feel...like, shit, maybe I am not good at this. And if I'm not good at this then what am I even worthy of...you know? Like, shit-" Jake felt his breathing quicken. 

Amy wrapped him into her arms, squeezing his shoulders. 

"Jake, you are a great detective. But you are so so much more than that. You are kind, you are funny, you are a great friend, you are loving, you are cute, you are generous..." 

Jake shook his head against her chest. 

"You are," She reassured. "Being a good detective is not what makes you worthy. You are worthy as a person, with or without your amazing accomplishments." 

Jake had never looked at it that way. 

For the first time in his life, Jake felt like someone loved him for who he was. Not for all the things he tried to do. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, comments are appreciated :)


End file.
